


Once Upon a Time in France

by WixyPagan



Category: Beauty and the Beast (2017), Dracula Untold (2014), The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Three Musketeers (2011)
Genre: Gen, Macho Man by The Village People, don’t ask where this came from b/c we don’t even know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 08:43:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12602732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WixyPagan/pseuds/WixyPagan
Summary: Gaston has siblings. Shenanigans ensue.





	Once Upon a Time in France

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when my boyfriend and I start writing crack fic until the wee hours of the morning in like two days.

Bard, Vlad, Gaston, and Aramis are all related: Vlad and Gaston are the eldest children and are twins, Aramis is the middle child, Bard is the youngest child, and Prince Adam is the bastard child and his dad is their dad. Their childhood was abusive, dad disowned the older boys - sending Aramis to the church, sent Gaston to the army, sent Vlad to the Janissary Corps., and sent Bard to Middle Earth (aka the asylum).  
The four older boys meet as grown men in Gaston’s tavern like 20 minutes before The Mob Song to reminisce about the good old days. They have no idea that they are related until they talk. Gaston goes to fight the Beast.  
Vlad senses light and follows it. He finds Agathe/the Enchantress and he ends up fighting her and wins (aka dead Enchantress) and the spell over Prince Adam and his castle/servants is broken. Bard and Aramis go out while holding pints of ale during Vlad’s fight with Agathe and they eventually find the castle and dump out their ale b/c this shit is nuts. They sit in the garden swapping stories. Aramis notices that Vlad is fighting holy light and crosses himself and asks Bard slurring, “Isn’t beating women frowned upon?” Bard looks up in confusion at the scene and replies, slurring incoherently, “She mostly just a big ball of bright ass light fighting a horde of bats so I don’t know.” Bard then shrugs. They continue swapping stories and place bets on the fight that is occurring between Vlad and Agathe. Neither of them notice Gaston fighting the Beast/Prince Adam. Whenever the fight ends and the curse is broken and Aramis has given Agathe her Last Rites, Aramis, Bard, and Vlad then returns to Villeneuve and the tavern.

Meanwhile, Gaston falls off the bridge and is still alive just unconscious and heavily injured. Lefou shows up to drag his sorry ass back to Villeneuve and is high on weed while doing so. Once he gets back to the tavern, he sees 3 other Gastons (aka Aramis, Vlad, and Bard) looks down at his blunt, looks back up at the 3 other Gastons, looks back down at his blunt, and puts it out on Gaston’s boot saying, “Je ne peux plus fumer cette merde.” (translation: “I can’t smoke this shit no more.”). Lefou drags Gaston’s unconscious ass into the tavern and somehow manages to get Gaston into his chair. 

Prince Adam, his servants, and Belle take a carriage to Villeneuve and pass Lefou dragging Gaston’s unconscious ass through the woods, but they don’t believe what they see. Maurice has seen most of this and is laughing his ass off. After arriving at Villeneuve, the servants are spending time with their loved ones and Prince Adam, Maurice, and Belle go into the tavern. Maurice stops laughing abruptly when he sees the 3 Gaston look-a-likes there. He turns to one of them (Bard), thinking he is Gaston, and starts yelling at him, “You were gonna put me into the asylum! What the Hell??” Bard replies, “Oooh, hi! You were supposed to be my cell mate in the asylum tomorrow!” Prince Adam and Belle look very concerned (Belle is also pissed). Belle then goes over to Gaston and kicks the shit out of his unconscious ass. 

Meanwhile, Vlad and Aramis explain things to Prince Adam, including the fight between Vlad and Agathe and the fact that all of them (Vlad, Adam, Gaston, Bard, and Aramis) are related. Adam’s first response is, “I’m related to the asshole who tried to kill me? Are you serious?” Vlad, Bard, and Aramis nod in confirmation. Adam goes, “Well, fuck. Now what?” Gaston comes to and is perplexed. “What’s going on? Where did Tom, Dick, and Stanley go? Why donI hurt all over? Belle, why are you kicking my ass? Who’s the aristocrat? And who the fuck are those guys?” He asks, pointing at Adam and then Vlad, Bard, and Aramis. Lefou meanwhile has been sitting at the bar drink profusely to forget this ever happened. Meanwhile in another part of France, Porthos turns to Athos and the newbie and asks, “Where the fuck is Aramis? He said he was just going to the privvy, he’s been gone for 6 months! Did he die? England is almost at our doorstep! We were supposed to have left 6 months ago! We are fucked!” Porthos then turns to their servant and says, “More wine!” The servant replies, “We’re out.” Porthos answers, “Then go out and buy some!” The servant then says, “With what money?” The newbie gives the servant money and the servant goes out and buys more wine. 

Meanwhile in Villeneuve, Vlad, Aramis, Bard, Adam, Belle, and (a now sobered up) Lefou are re-enacting everything that Gaston has amnesia about since Lefou’s cheer up song for Gaston ended. After the reenactment is over, Lefou sings and Gaston, Vlad, Aramis, and Bard dance to “Macho Man” by The Village People.


End file.
